I'm home.
I've been home since January 21...three days after I hit my five month mark in the mission.
My last few days in Kennesaw, GA and my first few days in Mesa, AZ felt so surreal.
I think the first time it really hit me as to what was happening was my last night in Georgia.
I'd gotten the call from President Satterfield that morning to give me all my flight details for the next day.
Since we didn't have any appointments that day, we spent it doing service for the lady we lived with, completing our weekly planning, and packing...for me, at least.
That night, the Relief Society was having an education seminar, so Sister Pontius and I went to that.
I prettymuch missed everything the speaker said...since I kept thinking, "This is the last time I'll sit in this room..."
I kept looking around at the other women there and wondering whom would I get to see again.
During the closing prayer, the tears started coming...
That's when it hit me what was happening.
I was going home.
I was leaving behind the people and the places I'd come to love, much sooner than I'd expected.
The plane ride seemed like the longest four hours of my life.
I kept thinking about what was going to happen over the next few weeks.
What am I going to say?
How will people react?
Is my family disappointed?
What about Heavenly Father?
What am I going to do?
Then I'd start crying again...and I'd pretend to be asleep to try to hide it.
My parents met me at the airport.
I shouldn't have been nervous about seeing them.
My mom held onto my arm the whole time we got my luggage together and as we were walking back to the car.
She told me I would be released the next morning.
My first few days back home are a blur.
At first, I wanted to tell my family all about the people I'd met and my experiences in Georgia.
I missed the mission, but I was happy to be with my family again.
I watched some movies and tried to listen to "normal" music, but I couldn't help feeling a little guilty.
After a few days, I only spoke when spoken to.
I cried myself to sleep every night, and when I woke up in the morning, I'd have a knot in my stomach when I remembered what had happened.
I started seeing a counselor to try to work through my anxiety.
After a few visits, I felt like I was doing better, and I asked my bishop if it would be possible for me to somehow finish my mission here at home.
Eventually, he and my stake president found an opportunity for me to be a service missionary at the Visitors' Center by the temple.
I was so happy and excited at the thought of being a missionary again.
But then, my anxiety and depression were kicked up again.
So I'm seeing the counselor again.
Hopefully I will begin feeling more confident in myself.
I'm not angry with Heavenly Father for what's happening.
This is just one of those trials that we all go through in life.
One day, I'll be able to look back and see how this one piece of the puzzle fits in with the rest of the pieces to create a beautiful picture.
My parents and I are going on vacation next week.
We leave tomorrow for Vegas and U-taaah.
[i feel like "utah" is one of those words you can have fun with...kinda like "na-chooo" from "nacho libre." i haven't seen that movie, but i feel like i have, since my mtc district was quoting it all the time.]
I'm so blessed to have such caring/supportive/loving people in my life.
Love y'all...
p.s. Sorry my blog is kinda ugly right now. I'll try restoring the cuteness when we get back from U-taaah.
2 comments:
Aww Rebecca dear, I love you so much! Sometimes it's hard to explain to people exactly what's going on inside of you, and you feel like no one understands. But I promise Heavenly Father does. And if you need to talk or laugh or cry please give me a call!
Rebecca, I'm so proud of you for having the courage to write this and doing so well at facing everything you've had to go through the last few months. I know exactly how it feels to be going through all of this. And exactly like I've told you and like you said here, even if you don't know right now why you are having these trials, you will find out eventually, and you'll be much better for it in the end. :)
You're surrounded by people who love you and are ready to help you whenever and with whatever you need. Heavenly Father is proud of you for your desire and willingness to serve, and He has so many blessings waiting for you on the other side of all of this. Don't hesitate to ask Him for help, or to come to any of us for anything you need. We're all here for you. :)
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